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Jul. 24th, 2012 | 03:43 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative

Ok, back to the therapist today.

Felt pretty down most of the day. The heaviness still pressed down firmly on my chest.
My homework was easy....

Think of something that I want to accomplish that would make me feel better the next day.
Seemed too simple to work. But it has helped I think.

Will keep trying.

Must. Not. Give. In.


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Round three

Jul. 22nd, 2012 | 12:34 pm
location: Home
mood: hopefulhopeful

So, my wife's daughter graduated high school and now we are out of that tiny homophobic town and living in St. Louis. We live in the gay part of town, which I couldn't be more pleased about!!

So, in my teens and twenties. I saw this counselor, and since I had grown up without much of a mom present, I used this therapist as a mom. I told her what she wanted to hear because I wanted her to be proud of me and give me the praise I was missing. I felt like she cared.

My second attempt at therapy ended me up with the same counselor as our daughter, and I was scared to pieces that I would say the wrong thing and end up losing custody of my kid again.

So now, I find this therapist here in St Louis to work on my depressive episode, and possible hypomania, only to find out he is the leading expert in OCD treatment in St Louis. I wanted to run. The rituals and compulsions are the very comforting facets of my day. They bring so much comfort to my anxiety, a calm like nothing else I can explain. Do I want to give these compulsions up?

I am going to try and see if my referee status can be transferred to St Louis from Cape this Thursday. I need to get active again. I need to skate. Not because I want to, but because D notices a remarkable improvement in my mood when I've exercised.

I've been playing a game called Shadow Cities on the iPhone for about a year, and am addicted to the social arena of the game. It is like being back in 1997 again, except, not in HTML versions of Yahoo! chat. There are some very good people in there.

Since the new therapist wants me journaling, I guess this is where I will attempt to do it. Now, depression, be gone!
Wish it worked like that.


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Dec. 8th, 2007 | 10:54 pm

But at this moment I came upon myself.
Previously I had existed, too, but everything had merely happened to me.
Now I happened to myself.
Now I knew: I am myself now; now I exist.
Previously I had been willed to do this and that; now I willed.

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Apr. 24th, 2007 | 09:00 pm
mood: okayokay


nuff said.

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I wish I could eat your cancer

Feb. 24th, 2007 | 11:42 pm
mood: sympatheticsympathetic

To: jimmie_johnson_fan_1973
From: lauralee22

The moment your luck aligns with my grace, poise, and balance, the earth will implode.

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Joan's Broccoli Madness

Oct. 19th, 2006 | 09:25 pm
mood: contentcontent

How i love thee.
Sweet glazed broccoli
Plump raisins
Crunchy red onions
Crispy cashews
Why must you reside 99 miles away?

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Sep. 17th, 2006 | 07:42 pm
mood: anxiousanxious

The rythmic ticking of an analog clock. The secondhand almost as dependable as my own heartbeat or breathing.

I am constantly suprised and dumbfounded by the idea that a microscopic organism, that probably isn't even there, can invoke the record-skip in my brain that occurs as often as that secondhand.

Idle mindlessness causes the persistent reminders of what is surrounding me.

I shall go back to mindful things now.

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Light bulb covers

Sep. 8th, 2006 | 09:22 pm
location: earth
mood: exhaustedexhausted

Know when you have to replace a light bulb with one of those cover thingies on them. There are 3 or 4 screws holding a piece of glass in place?
If you unscrew all of them just a little bit, the cover comes off. When you put it back in place, you do the same thing, screw them in just a bit, and the screws will hold the glass in place.

On only one occasion i was distracted enough to keep screwing two of them in too tight. My cover broke.

I feel like the cover today.

Screw #1
Sell more #@$%.

Screw #2
Stop going to the bathroom.

Screw #3
Stop taking so much time between calls. We're 400 in queue.

Screw #4
Sound more enthusiastic.

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Selling yourself short

Sep. 7th, 2006 | 09:02 pm
mood: enthralledenthralled

Why yes Mr. Customer, i am very sorry for the long wait, how may i be of service today?

No Mr. Customer, i am not an idiot. In fact i have a college education, not a GED.

I am very sorry you feel this way.

Now based on the conversation thus far, i can tell you are upset with the service.

I am happy to help however i can, may i get your account number please so i may assist you further?

Yes Mr. Customer, i understand the meaning of "stupid." If i'm allowed to finish a sentence, i'll be happy to look into your situation.


Ok, sir, i show your service is currently active. What problem is being experienced?

Wow, if i'm understanding correctly, your caller id box is sending subliminal messages?

No sir, we don't send messages through your caller id box. We send postal mail to your residence if we need to contact you.

Your caller id is telling you that you're delinquent on your account?

Wow, this is a scenario i haven't dealt with before, would you mind if i excused myself from the line for a moment?

~~~hold~~~ (snicker snicker giggle giggle)

Ok sir, you are absolutely right, you are current on your account and you've got flawless payment history with us.

Ok, so you've called the number that comes with the message?

So there's never an answer...

If i might ask, what exactly is displayed on your caller id box?

| 713-847-XXXX |

~~mute key~~ Oh dear, how do i explain this?

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Bobbie D. Barker

Aug. 27th, 2006 | 09:26 pm
mood: sadsad

9-13-1964 to 08-27-2006

My first lover. One of my closest friends. You will be missed dearly.

You taught me so many things about life. If it weren't for you, i'd have never learned to go crabbing with a piece of string and a chicken leg. I'd have never seen a professional softball game. I'd have never seen the WNBA. I'd have never finished police academy. I went to my first Renaissance Festival with you and your family. I learned that your stepfather was more accepting than anyone i've ever met. I learned that shaving an austrailian shepherd is harder than it looks, and that mowing the lawn, while redundant, can calm even the most angry person. I'll never forget our trip to St. Louis. I'll never forget hydrosliding in Beaumont where you laughed at me for almost knocking myself out with my own fists. You taught me how to give and receive love through the most difficult circumstances. I learned about grief, sadness, pain, happiness, irritation, and more importantly, how to be free and on my own from you. I know from speaking with you last week, you found love and happiness from someone special. I am grateful that you left this earth knowing that someone loves you as much as you loved them. I am thankful that we met on a psych ward and had remained in contact after all these years. We helped other through hard times, gave each other a hard time, and in this difficult time, you are no longer in mental anguish.

"I love you mega"


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